Jun 22, 2011

Women Wednesday: Fear

Ephesians 4:1-2 "...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

I'm already regretting writing these posts.

As I sit here praying over why,

I already know the answer.



I said it.

I'm scared.

Afraid of offending someone,

saying the wrong thing,

or simply not conveying what I want to say.

Give me a task, a job, a complex legal issue, advocating for a client;

add solid research, coffee and a forum for debate;

and I'm alive.

It's the lifeblood of who I am.

It's the cape I wrap around my shoulders in order to hide the insecurities;

the achievement badge that adorns my life's sash of meritorious attributes.

While I fail at almost everything else, being at my place,

in God's universe,

making succinct data of the chaos is salve to my heart.

And reminds me that at least, here,

I am not a total failure.

And for the rest of who I am, hope to be and was in the future,

it's covered in caution tape.

Because there is fear.

I think it is the best lie that the Devil ever spun.

He can apply it to so many things with us, ladies.

With his snarky laugh he reminds us

You won't be friends if she knows _____________ about you.

She'll never understand that you don't have it all together.

Don't be yourself, just follow everything that she does.

Blah. Blah.Blah.




And it keeps us from each other.

From growing and learning through one another.

And we know better.

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller.

There is a scene where Don moves into a house with 6 dudes to experience community.

I cringed while I read, because being locked in a house

with 6 other women might as well be torture for me.

No thanks, I'll take Water boarding for 200 Alex.



Fear of being judged, unliked, not having it all together or knowing that the facade that you have sewn is just a cape your wrap around yourself to hide your insecurities.

I think the older we get, the more activities our children have

and the more "stuff" we pack in our days, we lose the ability to smile to the mom in the car pool line, ask our daycare worker how today REALLY was or seek out a woman we know could use an ear and a cup of coffee.

I think that while Don's experience in Blue Like Jazz is a great example of community,

I don't believe community is only experienced in our houses.

I think it's experienced in our hearts.

So why do I fear letting a girlfriend really know me?

My top three would have to be:

1.) Having someone know how guilty I feel certain days for being a working mom.

2.) Sharing that I struggle daily to follow Christ.

3.) Discovering how true community might shake me from my comfortable cape of selfishness.

So here's to putting aside the fear, and getting messy with one another.

I encourage you this week to put aside the fear of engaging in a new relationship this week and re-set that coffee date (Layla, name the time and place), stop just a little longer to talk and seek community with a fellow sister.


Jen said...

Wow! Incredible writing! So honest. So true of all of us. Fear...the vice of the enemy! Will be sure to keep reading more from your blog in the future! LOVE the template too!
Excited to be your newest follower,

Gayla said...

Lindsey- this was the story of my life for so long. I was afraid to get close to women for the exact reasons you listed. Terrified that if they "really knew me" it would all be over. Until one day I was just in such desperation that I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. And I was FORCED to reach out. To be honest and needy and desperate and messy and ugly. And the group I opened up to changed my life. Because they didn't judge... they just loved. They had never walked through life w/ someone in my position... but they learned how. We learned how together. It was amazing and absolutely the best decision I ever made next to following Jesus.

But it was scary as hell and continues to be even though I know they know everything and love me anyway. You are so right that the devil loves to tell us those lies... and he never stops trying...

Keep writing, Linz. And keep telling the truth.

Love you.

Amy said...

I LOVE you!!! So glad that you overcame your fear two years ago when we met. I am so proud of your vulnerability and I know that we are all hungry for more of it in our own lives. Thank you for leading the way. I'm boarding a plane now to come see you and couldn't be more grateful to call you my friend. Your words and your heart are beautiful. Looking forward to hugging your neck I'm a few hours!!

Rebecca said...

we just started our adoption process. we are adopting from Ehtiopia. and i find the enemy creeping in and filling me with all this fear of things that can go wrong. I wrestle with worldly fears and trusting God completely through this process. Thank you for sharing.


Layla Payton said...

Lindz, I don't know how I missed this, but... <3 Now I'm in tears.

Layla Payton said...

"Shared wounds, when pinned to the sky, become stars in the night that help us navigate a pathway home." ~Gregory David Roberts

You are helping us pin stars to the sky, Lindsey.