May 2, 2011


This weekend was hard.

All of it.

Every breath was ragged.

The rain only amplified our frustrations with ourselves and one another.

Every action I took was a Mommy Fail.

I began the weekend in tears and cried until I laughed.

Most of the time, all you see and hear about is their smiling faces.

You're not silly enough to believe that's all there is to them,

to us,

to me.

This weekend was a reminder of how human I am and how very much I have to go.

To be in control means to understand the outcome;

and friends, I am NOT in control of anything.

As I battled The Dinosaur's temper

and my own insecurities.

The sharp sword of my tongue guarded my heart.

After round after round of being on my toes,

deflecting the stinging wounds of his words,

and fighting back the tears.

I wanted to give in.

Throw in my sword and run away from home.

And in the way only He can, His spirit whispered

"because they fight you like you fight against me.

Stop battling.


I love you.

I care what happens to you

and what kind of person you become."

The realization cut me close to the heart.

I'm not done growing.

I may never be.

Stop battling.


Wow! That's good stuff.

Why didn't He whisper that on Saturday morning, instead of Sunday night?

Maybe He did.

I was too busy battling.

As we finished up our nightly routine,

The Dinosaur finished his bath

and The Hero brought him to get clothes.

He snuggled in his towel and whispered

"Mommy, I'm cold."

I wrapped him in a blanket and asked if he was ready for jammies.

"No Mommy. Rock me."

I choked.

In 13 months, he's never asked.

I rocked.

Our love depended on it.

Fifteen minutes and he was asleep.

Peacefully snoring on my chest.

Our arms were both too full of love.

We couldn't even have held a sword.

Our hands were too busy holding all the love.


Chatter said...

Beautiful. It's a hard road. Just tonight I was looking back at all my 'fails' mothering my boys. Especially when I had 2 so close together. Hang in there. We live, we learn and we move forward. I'm so happy it ended with a good rock and sleeping babe on your chest.

Matt and Sarah said...

I love the beautiful peak into your heart. I can relate... I've been battling Him too. Trying to fight for control. My mind knows its ridiculous...but yet I still fight. Ugh.

Shirlee McCoy said...

Very beautiful.

I fought that battle many times with myself, with The Architect and, even, with God. Only when I learned that I could not control the wild beast of my son's anger was I able to accept him, be kinder to myself and truly go to God with all my heartache. Things improve. They really do. Your consistent love and acceptance will soothe the beast even as it ties you ever closer to your son. That bond will not be broken, and, eventually, it will win out over your son's temper.

Be kind to yourself. As you have said, we are never done growing. What you are learning now will carry you through into your son's teenage years and beyond.

Layla Payton said...

Precious, and so beautifully written.

Laura Ferry-Jimenez said...

Our weekend was great, too, but Sunday (during Mass!) was awful. And I got mad. Real mad. Right in the middle of Mass.

When we go to communion, the Priest usually blesses the girls or says "Jesus loves you." This Sunday, the priest touched Isabella's cheek and said, "Jesus ALWAYS loves you."

And just like that, I was reminded. No matter how naughty, how disobedient, how not wanting to listen we are - Jesus ALWAYS loves us.

That lil word "always" just blew me away.... and it's true. Jesus will ALWAYS love us - when we are good, when we are bad, when we are happy and when we are sad.

Parenting is hard but Jesus' love and patience will ALWAYS be there! :)

Shannon Plumb said...

Beautifully said. Love your heart!

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, Your children are beautiful, and this post brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of my sweet little boy, he always stitches up my wounded heart with his love :) -Beth