The Sum of All My Fears

I hate flying + I hate being vulnerable + I hate being in new situations without preparation + I hate women = Things you probably didn't know about me. I don't hate all women or any woman in fact, but having deep, emotional connections to women and allowing them to know me on a personal level is a big no-no for me. Like most of you, I've been hurt before. I've been lied to, deceived, and been left holding the bag for women whom I have once loved. And unfortunately, I've doled out my share of lies, deception and fake relationships for appearances sake. And to top if off, I am a bad friend. Too busy, too tired, too (and in any other excuse and I've made it) and I stay at home, safely in my cocoon of not getting hurt.
I grew up being every guys' best friend. I wasn't "hot" enough to date, but I could laugh, give them advice and listen. It's no wonder that I chose a profession where men reign. That's where I connect. It's where I'm at my best. I fit. Take a little aggression, honest flirtation, and no judgement and you have a relationship with a man. Women are harder. Too many emotions, listening (actively), and commitment are involved with girls. And then comes the rejection, the letdown, hurt feelings or complete changes in one person's life which renders the relationship extinct or on terminal hold.
I have had some great girlfriends in my life, but they're what I would call in inactive status. And that is completely my fault.
Through this adoption/blogging process I've met a lot of women who I've come to adore online, but I've never let get too close to me. Until recently.
This past weekend, one of my favorite bloggers and fellow facebook friend, hosted a fundraiser in Cincinnati. Another fellow blogger was flying in from Florida to attend. I happily sent encouraging texts and emails and comments about how much fun they would have. And then they asked me to go. To meet in person, to spend 3 days together, allow them to learn about me, seemed too scary, too big of a commitment. I gave myself a hundred excuses I could use: money, work, schedule, school (i'm not in school at the moment). I could stay safely at home. But God's gentle whisper said "go". I booked the flight, praying we would get a referral and I'd have a REAL excuse not to go. I bought a partially refundable ticket just in case I chickened out at the last minute.
But God kept whispering. And I packed a bag. Satan was waiting, ready to remind me of my terror of flying, he even threw in a panic attack for good measure. Two plane rides later, a hundred tears and a thousand prayers and I was in Cincinnati.
And 3 days later, I emerged a new woman, multiplied by 3 new friends, who have all seen and heard my fears, accepted my fears and have resolved to love me and challenge me through them. And I have resolved that relationships with women are necessary, invited and life-changing in my life. And I am bound to make more of them. A lot more. I will be myself, open, encouraging and I will continue to face all of my fears, even if it means being hurt. I will stop running from God and live with open eyes, loving arms, and a full heart. I started re-reading the Bible tonight. Genesis 1:1 seemed like a great place to start :"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." This weekend I began my own genesis. And as my plane takes off, I AM afraid. Not for what has happened but for what WILL happen, because I know I will be challenged. The sum of all my fears has totaled HOPE. And Hope is always a great place to start.

Let us as women approach our relationships with one another with a different set of glasses on, to stop asking one another "how are you?", without waiting for an answer. May we forgive and forget about bad days, PMS, hurt feelings and indifference and may we be one another's champions, prayer warriors and soul mates. I look forward to connecting with every woman I know more passionately.
I encourage you....what is the sum of your fears? God may just want to redo your math.