Aug 25, 2010

5 Months Home

We've been home 5 months exactly. I look up and realize how far we have come and then sometimes I am reminded how far we have to go. I've never sugar coated my relationship with my son. I don't think it's fair to either of us. Adoption is hard and attachment is different for every child and my mom always said you can't raise two children the same and that especially applies to us. A majority of it is because Ruta is a dream and where he is hard, she is perfection, in every sense of the word. She is human but her humanity is most often dispelled upon her frustration for having a 2 year old boy mimicking her every move. She is obedient, sugary donut sweet, affectionate, considerate and determined to make her life amazing. She loves her mommy and daddy and through her continuous expounding vocabulary, I am learning that her resilience against six years of tragedy is already legendary.

For the first several months, Alazar and I had a hard time spending a lot of time together and all of it was my fault. The Lord chose to give my son a new mommy, but for months, I let the enemy convince me that God had chosen wrong. Alazar is stubborn, defiant and knows exactly how to push my buttons. And because his actions and words are clouded by an adorable countenance, everyone close to me thought I was crazy at first. He adores Le and when the four of us are together, his ability to ignore me totally is impressive. He is two and this too shall pass, but nothing cuts your heart out like being rejected; especially by your kids. On days that my insecurities mount and he looks at me angel faced when I say "I love you son" and replies "NO!", I want to crawl in a hole.

But I know he loves me. And he knows I adore him and I've learned that while he is pushing my buttons, he is also longing for me as much as I am for him. And I've stopped beating myself for the hard days. We're working through it and during those hard days, I find myself crying out for my Father and asking for patience, grace and the ability to laugh most of it off (like the day he found safety scissors at 5am. and destroyed his comforter). And my God listens. I know He does because there are the days like yesterday.

Ruta was at school, Le was travelling home and my son and I were together at home earlier than usual. I curled up on the couch and he crawled up next to me, put my arm around him, gazed up at me and said "my seat Mommy, I Lalou (love you)." Ahh, be still my heart.

These five months have been beautiful, adventuresome, and most of all, fun. I relish being a mom. While I am fallible, we all are and only God's amazing grace makes us better. In five months there have been tears, frustration, mourning and hurt.

But there have also been:

Walks in the park boat rides on the lake and airplane rides:

Concerts, sleepovers, school and church:

Slides, cookouts, new friends, old friends:

Birthdays, cakes, gifts, family and wishes brought true:

Road trips, haircuts, swimming pools and belly laughs:

Movies, popcorn, popsicles and cupcakes:

And all of those things are so much more memorable knowing that we've been through some hard stuff.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8


Us4 Cats said...

just wanted to say i ike the new photos; especially the one with the cliffs in the background .


Kelly Jo said...

Lindsey, I love your heart and your willingness to be open about the hard times. Your family is just beautiful and I can't wait to see yall again!! :)

Laura Ferry-Jimenez said...

awww.... you sound just like every other mommy I know!!! :)

I mean this as a compliment and confirmation that this is what parenthood is all about - little battles and even bigger victories! it sounds like you guys are doing great, love the pics!


Theresa said...

I can not believe it has been 5 months aleady. I've been following your blog for awhile. Love the pictures and appreciate your honesty about tough times. I brought home a 5 month old in January and we too experience some not so good times. I think I cried daily for a couple of weeks. Adopion is hard. Being a mommy is hard too.

Shannon Plumb said...

What a beautiful post. I so appreciate your honesty and willingness to open up your heart!

Gayla said...

Love you Linz!!! Love your fam so much.

Shirlee McCoy said...

Every family must have at least one kid who knows how to push mom's buttons. Some of us are blessed to have more than one! ;0)

Your children are gorgeous, and you are a fantastic mom!

Congratulations on five months home!

Holly said...

I appreciate your honesty. Adoption isn't easy. But what IS easy that is really rewarding?
in 5 MORE months you will have come oh so much farther. Little by little one step at a time.
God chose YOU!

Tracy said...

I love this post. Thank you for your honesty and your heart.

We leave tomorrow for Ethiopia and will be home with our boys next Saturday!

Rahel said...

i understand! our daughter responded to me in a very similar way! it is hard! i can say (now home 8 months) that things to get better, but that doesn't make the hard times easier! hang in there!

Beautiful Mess said...

Be still my heart...your family is beautiful.

I am not an adoptive momma--yet---but I can say I have felt the same way with my bio kids---rejection hurts---and unfortunately the enemy knows your sore spots--ugh!

Thanks for sharing your story...truthfully :)