We've been home 5 months exactly. I look up and realize how far we have come and then sometimes I am reminded how far we have to go. I've never sugar coated my relationship with my son. I don't think it's fair to either of us. Adoption is hard and attachment is different for every child and my mom always said you can't raise two children the same and that especially applies to us. A majority of it is because Ruta is a dream and where he is hard, she is perfection, in every sense of the word. She is human but her humanity is most often dispelled upon her frustration for having a 2 year old boy mimicking her every move. She is obedient, sugary donut sweet, affectionate, considerate and determined to make her life amazing. She loves her mommy and daddy and through her continuous expounding vocabulary, I am learning that her
resilience against six years of tragedy is already legendary.
For the first several months,
Alazar and I had a hard time spending a lot of time together and all of it was my fault. The Lord chose to give my son a new mommy, but for months, I let the enemy convince me that God had chosen wrong.
Alazar is stubborn, defiant and knows exactly how to push my buttons. And because his actions and words are clouded by an adorable countenance, everyone close to me thought I was crazy at first. He adores Le and when the four of us are together, his ability to ignore me totally is impressive. He is two and this too shall pass, but nothing cuts your heart out like being rejected; especially by your kids. On days that my insecurities mount and he looks at me angel faced when I say "I love you son" and replies "NO!", I want to crawl in a hole.
But I know he loves me. And he knows I adore him and I've learned that while he is pushing my buttons, he is also longing for me as much as I am for him. And I've stopped beating myself for the hard days. We're working through it and during those hard days, I find myself crying out for my Father and asking for patience, grace and the ability to laugh most of it off (like the day he found safety scissors at 5am. and destroyed his comforter). And my God listens. I know He does because there are the days like yesterday.
Ruta was at school, Le was travelling home and my son and I were together at home earlier than usual. I curled up on the couch and he crawled up next to me, put my arm around him, gazed up at me and said "my seat Mommy, I
Lalou (love you)."
Ahh, be still my heart.
These five months have been beautiful, adventuresome, and most of all, fun. I relish being a mom. While I am
fallible, we all are and only God's amazing grace makes us better. In five months there have been tears, frustration, mourning and hurt.
But there have also been:
Walks in the park boat rides on the lake and airplane rides:
Concerts, sleepovers, school and church:
Slides, cookouts, new friends, old friends:
Birthdays, cakes, gifts, family and wishes brought true:
Road trips, haircuts, swimming pools and belly laughs:
Movies, popcorn,
popsicles and cupcakes:
And all of those things are so much more memorable knowing that we've been through some hard stuff.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
