May 10, 2010

What Kind Of Mother Am I?

The morning we left Ethiopia, I was a basket case. I cried all day and as our plane took off and my precious daughter was screaming with delight, I turned my head so she wouldn't see me cry. My heart was screaming for the son I was leaving behind. What kind of a mother would leave their son and return to her easy life? Why weren't we selling everything we owned to live down the street from Kaleab and his grandma? What the hell was wrong with me?

While in Addis, Kaleab's grandma had told us that she wanted him to be adopted. But the truth is, I've stopped praying for God to allow Kaleab to be adopted. While God sets the lonely in families, He doesn't always set them together in living rooms. My prayers have been simply for God's will. For Kaleab to be adopted would require the greatest sacrifice of his grandma's life and I refuse to be the catalyst that forces her to make that decision. Whatever God's path is for our lives, they intersected for a reason and I will be obedient. Le and I save money every month in an adoption fund and each night that we say our prayers we mention our son in Addis and each meal, holiday and fun moment has a little piece of it missing. But I am learning to forgive myself for not staying in Addis. I am choosing instead to be obedient to what lies ahead and preparing my heart for whatever decision God calls us towards.

This last weekend was one of the best of my life. Having my sister home and spending my first mother's day with my kids was amazing! But in the midst of the cards and flowers, I still missed my oldest son. I suppose I always will; however, I have wrapped my heart around the knowledge that I may never make Kaleab's bed in my house, but he will always have one here. I'm that kind of mother.


Tracy said...

hugs for you.

Erin Moore said...

Linz! you and KNOW this pain that you feel. I have stopped begging God to bring Biruk here - at least not as often as I use to. I know that he is His first, and if God wants him here with me, He'll make it happen - but there might be something bigger that God has in store for him (bigger than living here in Maine and getting smothered with love from me every waking moment!) ...God has it in His huge and capable hands. I love you for letting go and trusting Him. I love you for your heart for Kaleab.

I know this story isn't over, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

V said...

is K from Children’s Home Ethiopia?? I just found our that our sponsored boy is going to be from there!

Angel said...

Ok... I've spent the evening reading snatches of your blog off and on. Now I'm really crying. He sounds like such a special boy. I know having a mother's love means the world even a world away. I can't imagine how tough it was to drive away. Man, I guess you have an insight into the sacrifice so many mothers make- the pain they feel walking away- trying to do the best thing. Thank you for sharing your heart and stories so beautifully. Hugs, Angel