Near Miss

I wrote this a few weeks back and wrestled with whether or not to post it because really, I cannot think about this event without checking my pulse.

I've believed in Jesus since I was seven years old. As our relationship has deepened throughout my life, I have had several moments where I had a physical awareness that I was not alone. Moments that made no logical, scientific sense. Where I knew that He, the Lord of Angel Armies was present and I felt him.
I had another one today.
With The Dinosaur and The Angel being out of school, they've traveled back and forth to the office with me a lot this Christmas break. I know that it has been really boring because while most people are able to take vacation time around this time of year, being a family lawyer means that the holidays are a consistent hotbed for litigation. I can almost never gather more than a few hours away from the office during this season.
It really isn't too rough on them. I represent a lot of kids in my practice and one whole office is a dedicated play room. But for my two, they are definitely the outdoorsy type. Being in an office all day tests all of our creativity and ability to expend energy. Especially for The Dinosaur. He lives for our walks outside or running to the car for lunch. His quick little legs can bolt at just the crack of a door.
Today was no different. There were several other kids in the office today and he was dying for some fresh air. I knew it was going to be an early lunch. He needed to get outside. I rounded The Angel and the coats and my purse and all the "mom garbage" I think that I need. I had wrangled The Angel to put her shoes on, her coat and we were headed out the door. I told her just to meet me at the car when she got her stuff together. The Dinosaur was three paces in front of me, holding the door knob to his freedom, begging me to hurry up. I really was trying. I let him open the door and just as I have every day for almost three years each time he heads out, I shouted "Do not cross the parking lot!" My office does not sit in a busy area. There are not many cars during any part of the day. But I remind him at least three times a day regardless.
The air in his face and the pavement under his feet must have overloaded his senses because he never heard me. I was less than ten paces behind him when the whole world slowed. I remember the following details with specificity and horror. It must have happened in three seconds, but time suspended and I recall it all.
Black mustang.
Speeding.
The back of The Dinosaur's head heading toward our car.
His perfect stride of one foot pounding in front of the other.
Never stopping.
My voice screaming his name.
Me dropping every thing in my hands and running.
Him turning and taking one step back toward my voice.
The driver missing him by inches.
We were both hysterical when I reached him.
He jumped in my arms and screamed and cried and I screamed and cried.
The Angel missed the whole thing. Thank you Jesus!
I did not need a near death encounter as a reminder to hug my children today, but I'll tell you I haven't let either one of them too far out of my reach today either.
- Hugs n Love,
Lindsey

Love Is Work

I think the biggest lie we tell little girls is that their wedding day is the end and all that lies after is "Happy Ever After".
Don't misunderstand, the wedding to The Hero definitely makes my top 5 days, but happy did not follow us into our days there after.
We married 10 days into December. He was beyond gainfully employed and I had only a few months left of studying until I joined him in the work force. Our future was amazing on paper. Less than one month after our wedding, The Hero's position was terminated. I was only working 15 hours a week as a legal intern, with two months to go before the bar exam; no where near enough income to even pay our house payment. We had known prior to the wedding we'd have to put off our honey moon so I could study for the bar, but now it would be indefinitely.
We were already into the "for poorer" part of our vows. It was no longer the choice of whether or not to eat out, but whether it would be beef or chicken ramen. It wasn't fun, but we were determined to see each other through. Looking back it seems so ridiculous that we were malcontented with our circumstances like we were but it was stressful for a new couple to sit at home every weekend and lament over the pennies we didn't have.
By April, things were looking better. The Hero found a job and I had passed the bar on the first try and making a real salary. A week into that month, The Hero went in for a regular eye exam and was advised he'd have to have major surgery to correct his vision within the month. We had neither the money nor the patience to endure this yet. The Hero was on bed rest for a week and couldn't use his eyes for the following week. I lost my temper a few times and called my mom-in-law in tears more than once. No one told me this part of the fairy tale. He wasn't supposed to be in bed, needy, and depressed. We were definitely in the "for sickness" part of our vows.
Is anyone supposed to go through their entire vows & live them out the first year of marriage?
I grew up watching my father lavish my mother with gifts. Flowers, jewelry and dinners eaten out were all a part of his love language. I expected a man just like my daddy as an adult. It wasn't until my first year of marriage to The Hero, I learned God didn't send me what I expected; I got what I needed. I needed The Heros working approach to our love, because there wasn't any money for gifts even if he had possessed the desire to give them.
The Hero's love language is the other side of love from my father's; The Hero speaks in action. If he never says it again, I'll always know he loves me. It's in the dishes being done, the oil change I forgot my car needed and the calm while I'm being crazy. The Hero loves consistently, always and without fail. It isn't often with great fan fare, but it is always and I know it is to the end.

I babbled a few months ago that I missed being outside, working with my hands; I needed to play in the dirt and watch something grow. Today, I came home to a man covered in dirt, a rented tiler and a plot of dirt perfectly turned over; a place to play and grow, just like where we started from 9 years ago.

A heros love is tangible, dirty and it lasts through hell longer than a vase of dying flowers. And glass slippers don't fare well any where I've ever been.


- Hugs n Love,

Lindsey

Women Wednesday: The Great Debate

The Hero and I had a really hard talk two years ago when we brought home The Angel and The Dinosaur. I'm sure lots of other couples have had the same one.

"To stay at home with the kids or go back to work?"

There is a part of my femininity that may be missing, because this wasn't a difficult question for me to answer. I practically ran back to the office. I had been practicing law almost five years when the kids came home, and I was good at it. Law school wasn't cheap and I amassed more student loan debt than The Hero's mortgage on his first house. There was no way we could afford for me to stay home. Spending three weeks away from the office also revealed another horrible character flaw: I am a work-aholic. I love it.

This may be why making and keeping new girlfriends has always proved challenging for me. It's hard for me to admit that I like being at the office. That my brain lights up and ignites best when legal theories and paperwork abound. And also I think many women I meet would only judge this career choice as a character flaw. They might believe that because I work outside the home, that I am not a good mom. And let's face it, I don't need any help beating myself up about my faults.

I also have much guilt over this new personality development. I often lament my failures as a mother, sometimes on an hourly basis. Maybe we all do. Most days as I pull away from daycare, I groan that I couldn't give my kids a better mother. One who hadn't spent most of her twenties vying for grades and racking up debt. But in my spirit I know that staying at home with The Dinosaur would leave us both unfulfilled and unchallenged. He needs WAY more social interaction that one mama can give him. The boy is busy and the more kids around, the more he loves it.

And you know what?

That's ok.

It actually feels good to say that out loud (or in print).

I may never stay at home.

But that doesn't mean I don't adore my mama friends who stay at home. Most of the time I want to constantly immulate them.

And that doesn't mean they don't love me, even trekking it to the office every day. Even when I don't return their phone calls for a few days.

Some times ladies, I think the debate about whether or not we are good enough, or doing a good enough job in motherhood and life in general, doesn't happen between us women,

It happens within ourselves.

Here's to learning to embrace the creatures God created us to be, with the love that He shows us, no matter where He calls us to spend most of our days.