Going All In

My last post detailed a hard weekend of parenting.

It wasn't easy to write.

I don't like admitting my faults.

I'm not sure that anyone does.

It's completely against human nature

and especially against American thought to say

"Hey, let me tell you all about the ways that I screw up on a daily basis."

But the more I reflected on all my parenting fails last weekend,

I realized that almost every aspect of parenting is hard.

It's supposed to be.

A continuous dance of move and sway

and locking eyes with your dance partner.

And learning how they respond to the music.

With you.

Doubling our family count with two toddlers was no cake walk.

And learning to parent in your thirties for the first time was like treating a red hot sun burn after a day at the beach;

it needed a lot of TLC.

But while I cannot say I desire the hard days;

I'm learning to take them at face value;

a moment to embrace a chance to learn,

do better

and stop looking for something easy.

If it were easy, I wouldn't care what kind of personalities my kids developed,

would let them juggle knives while standing on our kitchen table

and would disregard all sanitation rules

(ok, maybe not all).

I believe that the biggest challenge to being a parent is

choosing to parent

and choosing it for a lifetime,

especially when it's hard.

So Dinosaur and Princess,

be warned.

You have no passive mama.

She's a warrior.

And she's learning.

Just like you.

She will not give up on you.

She refuses to stop learning from you,

teaching you,

dancing with you,

and guiding your steps as much as she can.

She's in it for the hard days;

the crazy days,

the laughs,

the tears,

the breezy,

the hard.

It will not always be easy,

in fact, she'll bet on it.

but she's crazy about you.

And she's all in.

Forever.

Hard

This weekend was hard.

All of it.

Every breath was ragged.

The rain only amplified our frustrations with ourselves and one another.

Every action I took was a Mommy Fail.

I began the weekend in tears and cried until I laughed.

Most of the time, all you see and hear about is their smiling faces.

You're not silly enough to believe that's all there is to them,

to us,

to me.

This weekend was a reminder of how human I am and how very much I have to go.

To be in control means to understand the outcome;

and friends, I am NOT in control of anything.

As I battled The Dinosaur's temper

and my own insecurities.

The sharp sword of my tongue guarded my heart.

After round after round of being on my toes,

deflecting the stinging wounds of his words,

and fighting back the tears.

I wanted to give in.

Throw in my sword and run away from home.

And in the way only He can, His spirit whispered

"because they fight you like you fight against me.

Stop battling.

Listen.

I love you.

I care what happens to you

and what kind of person you become."

The realization cut me close to the heart.

I'm not done growing.

I may never be.

Stop battling.

Listen.

Wow! That's good stuff.

Why didn't He whisper that on Saturday morning, instead of Sunday night?

Maybe He did.

I was too busy battling.

As we finished up our nightly routine,

The Dinosaur finished his bath

and The Hero brought him to get clothes.

He snuggled in his towel and whispered

"Mommy, I'm cold."

I wrapped him in a blanket and asked if he was ready for jammies.

"No Mommy. Rock me."

I choked.

In 13 months, he's never asked.

I rocked.

Our love depended on it.

Fifteen minutes and he was asleep.

Peacefully snoring on my chest.

Our arms were both too full of love.

We couldn't even have held a sword.

Our hands were too busy holding all the love.

1st Wordless Wednesday: Speechless

My Mother's Day Gift

Last weekend, I received my Mother's Day gift a little early. My fabulous friend Vanessa at So Darn Happy Photography, took us out and let us just be goofy. I absolutely adore the results:




Um, yes. My 6 year-old daughter's legs are almost longer than her Mommy's! Wow! She'll be locked inside the house until she's 45.

This picture just melts my heart. You'd never know it took her 3 months to fall in love with her daddy.

So sugary sweet! I love it.

Thank you Vanessa for capturing my fav things in the world on film.

No Longer a Hero

I understand that you originally said "No."

Then it was "Linz, I'm serious."

And finally it was "No one cares that I'm 36 this year and don't you dare post that."

Well, I don't like being told no. And I know when you're really being serious.

And...I absolutely LOVE the fact that you're 36 this year and so do 2 other people.

You were fixing the sink and the kids were finishing lunch.

You were grumbling because one more thing needed fixing.

Your kids were staring because they believe you can fix anything.

The Dinosaur asks "why Daddy fix it all?"

The Angel informs him "because Daddy fixes everything."

The Dinosaur instinctively "Why?"

The Angel, matter-of-factly "Because Daddy is a superhero silly."

So there you have it Daddy. You are no longer just a hero.

You apparently have super powers.

Happy birthday and no matter how old we get, I'm thankful

for every year we spend together,

every day you are home,

and every hour I spend in your arms.

And you still look 25 to me!

Happy 36 Super Hero!

A New Prescription

A few weekends ago was Mommy's mandated "Clean Out the Garage Day". While the Hero and I purged our garage of a winter's worth of junk, The Angel and The Dinosaur played in the front yard. They drug out toys and trinkets that they had spent a winter forgetting existed. As the Hero and I feverishly worked to move things around, we pulled an old box that had once housed the Dinosaur's car seat from the garage. The Angel wanted to know what we were going to do with it and I told her that it was not useful for anything and we'd be throwing it away. I sat it towards the side of the garage and went on digging through Christmas ornaments. A few minutes later I noticed the Angel and the Dinosaur were playing in the box. They played there ALL day. Even after Daddy and I finished cleaning, the box remained a consistent plaything. It was a fort, a house, a raceway for cars and a host of other afternoon adventures for a two and six year old. As the Hero and I cleaned up and I watched my babies play, I suddenly got really emotional. I didn't want to forget this moment; watching a sheet of cardboard have a million new adventures. I ran inside and got the camera. I wondered how many children's lives would be different if I and millions like me would take off their "adult glasses" and start seeing things through the eyes of a child. I wondered how many more afternoon romps could take place on our pristine manicured lawns and be made perfect by a child's laughter?

I wonder if we stopped seeing what the world sees and see what Christ sees. I wonder how much more of this world would only love to be loved in return.

I wonder how many children are discarded because we think we are too busy to sit one more place at the table or do one more load of laundry.

I very much believe that the Hero and I were headed down an extremely lonely path only a few short years ago. I know that only Christ changed our perspective on life, but I believe our children were His eyeglasses for us to change how we see the world.

Do you need a new prescription to see?

So What Did We Do?

After all the debate regarding the Dinosaur's 3rd bday, we finally settled on dinner. And Cupcakes. We invited the grandparents and the cousins and told everyone not to bring any presents.

He had an absolute blast just hanging out and having his favorite people sing "Happy Birthday" just for him.

Happy 3rd Birthday Dinosaur. We truly cannot imagine our lives without you in it!